Question ... Everything?

I have too many thoughts in my head! 

They are preventing me from doing what I want to be doing. Are they? They are distracting me from all the other things also running around in my brain. So I figured the only thing to help me get past them is to write them down.

Like any of my ventures, this is primarily for me. But due to the convenience of the internet and the fact that I live a vast distance from so many humans who I love and may even love me back (lucky me), I figured why not post down my thoughts here. 

Here's my current brain dump of all the things meandering in my mind these days:

• Keanu Reeves
• my kids
• the world is on fire
• what even is my place on this earth
• am I even good at my job
• do I like my job
• THE MATRIX
• I just want to veg all day
• vegging all day makes me feel like butts
• I should be better to myself
• I should be better to the world
• Why am I not doing more to support causes I care about - like climate change, homelessness, the arts, animal rights
• Why am I a hypocrite
• Why is Keanu so chill all the time
• My husband is awesome (so why am I awful to him)
• Wow! I have a lot of rage
• I need to get back into good habits
• I am garbage because I lost my good habits
• Why am I so awful to myself
• Cheesy sentimental movies may be crappy but they consistently give me a cathartic cry
• If I'm as judgment free as I like to think I am, then why do I make so many things a competition
• I should get back to work
• Keanu Reeves proves that formal education is B.S. considering how wise he is without even a high school diploma
• Why am I obsessed with pop culture
• How do I raise more funds for the arts when we're still in the middle of an apocalypse
• Gosh my kids are cute!!!

...

As you can see - it's a lot. Probably more than should ever appear in this venue, but here we are.  

I've come to a profound acceptance of who I am. Yes, as a human with a soul, but even more as a human with a name. I never chose my name. And quite frankly when I realized my older brother wanted to name me Robin,  there was a time in my life when I really wished my parents let him. But no - I am who I am. And it's not so much the first name that gets to me, so much as the middle name. ... MAY. It's something I've always kinda liked because of it's simplicity. 3 little letters. A recognizable month. But lately it has been so much more. It's not just a noun to me anymore. It's a VERB. And what a verb to stand by. 

If the old idea of being represented by a middle name holds any weight, I'm glad I was given MAY. Because not only does it give me permission to be and do as I see fit ... it also gives me options. I MAY craft. I MAY write. I MAY play with my kids. I MAY put myself out there. There are so many things I may do. And the one that really stands out is that I MAY fail. And you know what - I'm mostly okay with that.

My husband keeps saying something over and over as his new mantra that I am now adopting as mine too:

"Fail fast! Fail often!" 

It's weird to be one who is absolutely terrified of failure in some contexts and completely fearless (No, that's not the word! Naive? Ignorant? Unphased?) when it comes to failing in other contexts. I guess when it's a situation that only impacts me - I kinda relish in failure. An opportunity to make a fool of myself and have an awesome story to tell? I'm IN! But when it comes to letting other people down, that's when the possibility of failure absolutely destroys me.

Fortunately - this tiny crappy personal blog won't really impact anyone other than myself. So YAY! Here you go! 

Here's where I'll tell my stories. My momentary mind meanderings. My misses and my makes! Whatever occupies the brain at any time, I'll drop it here. 

It won't be earth shattering, but it will be honest. And hopefully it will free up some space in the old brain so that it can be a little less loud and busy up there. It would be nice to have some quiet again.